3 Steps to Get a Girlfriend If You’re Shy or Insecure
It’s tough being a shy guy in the dating game. I’ve heard the same cries for help repeated countless times from “smart” and “nice” guys who have been totally ignored by women most of their life. I was one of them.
Growing up, if I liked a girl, then it would feel literally impossible for me to ask her out. What if she said no? Then I’d have to awkwardly see her at school or work again and again.
Even worse: what if she liked me too? Then what would we talk about? What if the date was super awkward? What do people even do with a partner?
And to top it off, for years I was extremely insecure. I knew I looked ugly growing up, I was scared to smile because of my slightly crooked front teeth, and I believed my appearance was the reason no girls ever showed interest in me. Many shy guys are the same way. We’re devastatingly insecure about either our appearance or lifestyle (being a loser/loner).
So for years, I watched from the sidelines as the girls I liked went out with the more popular and confident guys.
Shy women usually don’t have the same problems that shy guys do. As long as a girl is attractive to a man, he will often see her as girlfriend material… even if she happens to be shy, quiet or socially awkward. (Don’t get me wrong, women have many of their own unique frustrations in dating. But being shy is usually not the same insurmountable block for them as it is for men.)
The truth is that many shy men can easily go years without having a girlfriend, dating or even kissing a girl. Some women claim that shyness is cute and that you should just “be yourself”… but when they say “shy” they probably mean the strong silent type of guy, not the nervous shaky socially awkward mess like many of us are.
Why Is Being a Shy Guy So Difficult?
- Well, the first obvious reason is that confidence and social status are some of the most attractive things to a woman. Think back to your high school, who were all the cutest girls dating? The popular and cool guys, the ones who spoke up fearlessly, a.k.a. the ones with the most social power.
Even when women say they like a guy with “intelligence” or a “sense of humor”… well you have to have some social skills for people to even see you have these qualities! If you’re sitting in a corner of class not saying a word to anyone, nobody gets a chance to see how smart or funny you are.
- A second problem: It’s extremely rare for a girl to initiate and ask a guy out. At best, they might send body language signals they are interested, but guys often miss or misinterpret these signals.
So shy guys have to somehow overcome that paralyzing anxiety we feel when being around a girl we find attractive and usually society puts the pressure on us to be the more assertive one.
- Lastly, what do you even say to her? This is one of the most common question I get. And if you don’t know how to carry on an enjoyable interesting conversation that spark a girl’s interest… then no girl will ever seem interested in you, and asking her out may even be a weird thing to do. (So later you’ll learn more about how and what to talk about with women.)
In this post, I’m going to provide you with key pointers to getting the relationship you want. I’m going to start off with the basics so that even a guy who is a virgin and totally confused about dating, can begin taking his first steps to having a girlfriend.
1. Where to Meet a Girl?
There is no one-size-fits-all answer for where to find your dream girl. Successful couples have met each other in many different places, in many different ways. In fact, one of my reasons for writing this post is to bust a lot of the MYTHS that some so-called “pick up” or dating coaches are spreading.
Busting The Clubs & Bars Myth
When I was first trying to overcome my shyness around girls… I went out of my way to go to clubs. Why? Because some random dating coaches online recommended it. My apartment was even a few blocks away from one of the main nightlife areas in the city, so it was easy to walk there.
Can you guess what happened? Clubs were awful (to me). I hated the obnoxious blaring music. Pretending that I liked dancing. Heck, I barely even drank alcohol.
So I had basically thrown myself into a social situation where it’s the HARDEST to meet women if you’re a more introverted or intelligent guy. It took me a few months of banging my head against the wall to realize the obvious:
Women are everywhere. And the vast majority of women aren’t going to be out clubbing past maybe a few times in their college years. (Maybe they’ll sometimes go to bars with friends.)
But that’s actually a good thing, because most women spend their time in less obnoxious environments. And while other dating coaches advise to chat to people in coffee shops, bookstores and supermarkets, I believe it’s more important to think about:
Where Can You Meet a Compatible Girl?
Stop thinking about where to meet any girl. Start thinking about where you can meet the girl who is right for you.
The problem with meeting girls at nightclubs or even going to one of those”single people events” is that there’s a very small chance that you are compatible with a random girl.
If you’re into self-development or health, then maybe the best place to meet someone for you is at a yoga class, meditation class or health course.
If you’re a college student, then maybe that’s the girl beside you in class, or the one picking up a book similar to the one you’re buying at the bookstore.
If you’re a frat bro that likes to drink lots of beer and watch sports (if you’re reading this post, probably not…) then maybe a sports bar or frat party is the right place for you.
The first step to finding a girlfriend is to put yourself into situations where you can meet many different girls that have a high chance of being compatible with you. This doesn’t mean you both need to be the #1 and #2 Harry Potter fans. It’s more about finding people who have compatible values, lifestyle, and personal energy.
(Side note: Approaching random people is risky, you’re always taking the chance they will take your approach as unwanted. So if you do this, always be as respectful of the other person as you can and mindful of their safety. For example, don’t try starting a conversation in a place where they can’t quickly leave like an elevator or bus. When I was younger I did approach random people in bars and in the city, and while it’s a very inefficient way of meeting someone truly compatible, it did help me to build my confidence and social skills. Meeting people at a business or networking event feels easy in comparison to the intense fear of rejection most men feel even thinking about saying hi to a beautiful woman.)
So, where do most guys meet their girlfriends?
Through school, work or hobbies. (This is probably the best place, where you’ll meet people similar to your age with overlapping values/interests. But at work most people know it’s best to avoid any romance, unless it’s absolutely clear you’re both very interested in each other and you want to date in a more conservative/traditional way.)
Through friends. (And where do you meet friends? Through one of the places in point #1.)
Online dating is also getting more popular. Although I’m personally not a big fan, almost a quarter of adults ages 25-34 years old have now used online dating. (source)
Write down a list of 5 places you could go to meet compatible women. If you’re at home all day every day, then the rest of this post won’t help you much. You have to put yourself into situations where you have a chance to come in contact with women.
That’s the first step. If you don’t have many friends or a social circle, then you’ll have to get some or be proactive in other ways.
Remember any hobbies have you ever thought of trying (drawing, martial arts, volleyball, etc) and see where those classes are offered. Even if you don’t meet a girlfriend, you could make new friends that later introduce you to the girls in their social circle.
Now to the next step…
2. Why Aren’t Women Attracted to You?
Growing up, I was surrounded by girls. (Most of us are.) I saw hundreds of girls in classes, part time jobs or elsewhere. And yet, I still never had a girlfriend. Even in my first year of university, where there were so many cute women everywhere, I still didn’t manage to go on my first date.
So clearly, just being in a situation where you’re NEAR a lot of girls is not automatically going to get you a girlfriend.
Don’t Be Yourself
Well-meaning people may tell shy guys that you just need to “be yourself” and eventually some girl will fall in love with you. Just like in the movies.
Don’t believe them. The movies aren’t real. Script writers just write what people WANT to be true. Here’s how reality actually works:
If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll keep getting what you’ve always gotten.
“Being yourself” is not going to get you a girlfriend. You’ve already tried that. Has it worked? Since you’re reading this article, probably not. So if you want a girlfriend, then you’ll need to do something different. You’ll need to BE someone different.
Looking back now, it’s no wonder girls never showed any interest in me. The truth was, I was a loner and not a very attractive person. Constantly depressed, feeling awful, insecure, little sense of fashion and not able to even look a cute woman in the eyes for more than 1 second.
I had to change myself and my behavior before my dating results changed. I had to become a more assertive, outgoing and interesting person. I had to overcome many of my old anxieties and build new conversation skills. I had to learn how to become comfortable with myself and comfortable connecting with other people.
(Important note: Becoming comfortable with yourself is much different than “being yourself” and not changing. You cannot have close personal relationships unless you are comfortable with yourself.)
How Attraction Works, According to Science
First, let’s think about what attracts men.
What grabs your attention? If we’re going to be honest, it’s a woman’s appearance first and foremost. A cute face, nice breasts, round hips, soft skin, a certain walk. Men are wired to feel attraction to a woman whose body displays signs of fertility, health and youth.
I want you to now imagine a girl or woman you have a crush on. How does she look? Probably really cute. Guys can like a girl a lot just because of how she looks… even if you’ve barely talked to her in the past.
Now, I’m not saying that looks are everything to men, but in the beginning they’re the primary thing that attracts us to a girl in the first place. Only after we find a girl physically attractive are we open to being even more won over by her personality, common interests, etc.
Was there ever a time when you didn’t notice a girl at all (weren’t attracted), then she turned out to have a sense of humor and you were now very interested? Probably not, yet this happens to women all the time.
Why do men tend to be visual and more superficial? Because that’s the way evolution designed us. It wired us to be attracted to a women likely to produce healthy kids with great genes.
For example, ever noticed how the woman is almost always a few years younger than the man in any couple? Have you ever wondered why this is? Why isn’t the women in a couple usually the older one?
Because a younger woman was more likely to have a healthy pregnancy in the past.
Whether this is true or not today doesn’t matter. It was true a few thousand and a few million years ago. And that’s when the attraction circuits in our brains were designed by evolution. Cavemen who mated with younger women were more likely to have healthy and surviving kids, so now guys are wired to be attracted to younger women in general.
(Note that I’m talking about what is generally true, but there are always many exceptions.)
Scientific studies have also found that men across cultures prefer about a 0.7 hip-to-waist ratio. Why? Because it’s this body shape that would most successfully give birth to a child in our distant past.
Turns out human babies have really big heads to fit our big brains. On top of that, the fat stores around the hips are used in the later stages of pregnancy, allowing a woman to survive to have the baby and breastfeed it in our past when food was scarce.
“Between 1955 and 1987 the waist- hip ratio of Ms America contestants and Playboy playmates varied only between 0.68 and 0.71.” – Professor Devendra Singh at the University of Texas
This male desire for youth, health and fertility is also why women have the instinct of beauty enhancement. Across almost all cultures, almost all women wear makeup to make their lips and eyes look bigger… and almost all guys don’t.
Younger women also wear much more revealing or skintight clothing than guys do, at least in the countries without conservative taboos about women’s clothing.
The reason why I’m explaining to you how a man’s attraction system works is so you realize that attraction is not a choice. You cannot choose who you are attracted to or not. Attraction is a reaction, it’s a feeling that happens automatically in response to a stimulus. For men that stimulus is firstly visual: long shiny hair, big eyes, a curvy body, etc.
Now here’s where all this science becomes useful…
What Makes a Man Attractive?
Women are also attracted to indicators that their offspring and genes would survive… but this has little to do with the man’s body.
Here’s how the entertaining evolutionary biology book (which you can buy on Amazon), “It’s Not You, It’s Biology” explains it:
A man is attracted to a women’s ability to grow a baby inside her. A woman is attracted to a man’s ability to grow a baby outside him. How does he do that? Resources.
In any species that survives by cooperation, stuff is gotten through social power. In all social species with pair-bonds, females are attracted to evidence that males display a chance for power in the community.
Humans compete less for territory than for rank. The attention of the tribe is a kind of psychic territory where we harvest the resources we cooperative apes need to survive. He who controls the attention is high status and sexually attractive.
It basically means your looks aren’t nearly as important to attract a girlfriend as you probably believed. Sure, if you’re physically unattractive or overweight, it may be harder… but the primary thing that attracts or repels girls is not your looks.
I’ll mention this example again…
If you think back to your high school or college, who were all the cutest girls dating? The popular and charismatic guys, the ones who threw parties, led the sports team, etc. There’s a reason why the stereotype of the high school quarterback dating the school cheerleader exists. Back in my high school, I can remember two guys who were very chubby, but they still got girlfriends easily because they were funny and confident.
And here’s more good news: confidence and social status are mostly communicated with your behavior. It’s about the way you talk, the way you act, the way your beliefs work. And your behavior can be changed with learning, practice and repetition. This means you can become more attractive to women by working on yourself.
First You Need to Feel Valuable Inside
There’s just one problem: confidence is hard to fake. If you feel insecure about how you look, and you secretly think you’re a loser compared to other people, and you’re sweating with nervousness whenever you talk to a cute woman… then it’s going to be really difficult to just “act” confident.
This is why in my courses I focus a lot on changing your inner thought patterns and beliefs, not just learning new conversation tricks. When you feel good about yourself, then confidence comes more easily and naturally.
One of the key ways to feel more comfortable and confident around cute girls is to stop putting them on a pedestal in your mind.
If you can see a woman as a human being with her own quirks, weaknesses and flaws (just like you), then you won’t feel nearly as intimidated by her. And when you feel comfortable, it’s much easier for your natural personality and sense of humor to shine through like it does among your closest friend.
That’s also why often the best dating advice is to work on yourself. Improving your grooming, style and lifestyle will make you feel like a much more valuable person, and that will naturally shine through to anyone that talks to you.
Which brings me to the third step of this post…
3. How to Talk to Her?
The most common question shy guys have with dating is “What do I say to her?”
In fact, this question reveals that most shy guys are focused on the wrong thing.
Much more important than the words you say to her is how you talk to her. Of course, you don’t want to awkwardly be running out of things to say, but a girl becomes attracted to a guy because of the behavior underneath his words, not because of the words themselves.
The Behavior Underneath Your Words
What do I mean by this? Well, the most straightforward examples are:
Strong eye contact. Most shy guys break eye contact with people quickly because the tension makes them too nervous. Yet being able to comfortably look her directly in the eyes is a sign of a high status man. (In fact, this is why you should never look monkeys in the eye… they may feel their dominance threatened and attack you.)
A clear resonant voice. Speaking up in a clear way shows people that you value what comes out of your mouth. Instead of a weak voice that people find hard to hear. I believe this is a sign of approval-seeking: people are hard to hear when they are afraid of being judged. And signs of seeking approval are low status and therefore unattractive.
Feeling relaxed and comfortable inside. Something I learned from Dr. Robert Glover: a woman is looking for a man to be part of her emotional security system. So if you are nervously fidgeting and feeling tense, then she can’t relax talking to you, and will be instinctively turned off.
These are just 3 simple examples of behaviors that can instantly make you more or less attractive to a girl. These types of behaviors underneath your words communicate more about you and your level of social “power”, than words ever could. Scientists call this your meta-communication. Improve it, and you’ll become much more attractive to women.
(Important note: Nobody needs to have perfect bullet-proof “alpha male” confidence to get a girlfriend, you just need to make some improvements in the right direction.)
As long as we’re on the topic of how to talk to girls, I need to mention one more thing…
Okay, let’s clear this up: obviously most of us know not to randomly touch a woman we’ve just begun talking to.
But when you’ve made it on a date, and if both of you are feeling chemistry (enthusiastic talking/laughing) then you can try some light touches on the shoulder/forearm at high points in the conversation.
If you do this casually without bringing attention to it, then it won’t be inappropriate. In fact, when guys talk to each other they often lightly touch or tap each other like this all the time, on the back, shoulders or arms.
A small amount of safe physical touch (in the context of a romantic date) can be the secret to avoiding the “friend zone” many guys complain about and turning a regular friendly conversation into something with a romantic spark.
For more tips on how to get your dream girl you desire if you are shy, watch this video – You can’t get your dream girl UNTIL you fix this…
Conclusion and Next Steps
I hope this post has given you a few key pointers on where to meet a potential girlfriend, what really triggers a woman’s attraction, and how to communicate in a high status way so that women find you more attractive.
These insights really helped me, and now my dating life is certainly above average. I’ve dated multiple women who have offered to be my girlfriend. Having choice instead of loneliness feels great, and I deeply wish for you to experience the same transformation I did.
By Sean W Cooper, the author of The Shyness and Social Anxiety System, is an ex-sufferer from social anxiety and shyness. This program is a compilation of his research and effort in overcoming shyness and anxiety.
Sean W Cooper’s Shyness and Social Anxiety system is a step by step audio course broken down into modules that are easy to access. It teaches you ways to start overcoming your social anxiety and self-doubt. The system utilises cognitive behavioural therapy which explores how feelings and thoughts can drive behaviour.
The Shyness and Social Anxiety system is endorsed by professionals and praised by psychologists due to the way it provides the relevant skills to manage issues of shyness and social anxiety.
To find out more, click on How to Get Your Dream Girl You Desire If You Are Shy?